Push

I was on the verge of giving up.

I tried not to, but can't help ask myself repeatedly "why go through all these trouble?".

The question kept ringing in my head and have asked the others too, if they can remind me what was I doing it for, again?

I must have forgotten or maybe I didn't really know in the first place.

I'd like to think I was doing it for myself but, really now.. Am I?

I know the real reasons but I'm starting to doubt if I'm really willing to go this far.

I pushed myself to my limits, I do not know if I can push myself a little further.

It's all in the mind but mind's telling me, I can always give up.

I have the choice, but something's telling me I'm doing the right thing.

What the heck?!

You see, I ran 15 rounds in our school oval and my legs are freaking tired. Despite the moral support I got [sana transferable ang moral support sa energy at power gaya sa anime at RPGs] from everybody [the boys, the members, and Ate Choy and Rikichan] during my run, I exceeded the time limit. I have to do it again tomorrow. And I don't mind as long as I can join the climb. But during those exhausting 80 minutes [and we were only given an hour to finish those 15 rounds], I was already cursing, I was cheering myself up, kept saying I can do this, I'm almost there, and tried hard to fight the urge to stop and give it up. Demons are whispering in my ears, "Why are you actually doing this for? Remind me because I'm starting to doubt if it's worth to tire yourself for such cause". The heck, that demon was right. I was giving up but I can't get myself to stop. I have to do this, I have gotten far enough just to stop now. Instinct. I knew I have to survive this without really knowing the exact reason for it. I want to do this because I want to climb again, and again 'til I can get inducted as a member, I have to do this because through this I can get closer to Oniichan, I will do this because for the first time, I had to work hard, really hard, to achieve something that I really wanted badly. But during those freakingly long 80 minutes, I was thinking of magic, and why no matter how much you believe  in supernatural things, no magic potion can make you gain back your energy, no magic can make you run faster, and no magic can undo your tiredness at all. That kind of magic doesn't really exist in the real world. Okay lang, madami namang energy drink. Hehe. I failed and I will have to try again tomorrow or else it'll be "Zutto sayounara, mountaineering" for me. Wish me luck people..

The deciding point comes on Wednesday. Time for thesis final defense. I don't know if this'll work but we ave to polish everything tomorrow, I have to do a diagnostic run again later in the afternoon and defend the freaking thesis the next day. After that, or simultaneously, there'll be other activities to attend and participate in. Ooh, and I still haven't paid the freaking thesis fee and the other expenses that go with it. [Ayokong isipin na *fill-in-the-blank* Hehe. Secret. Madami lang akong naiisip aside from those that I already mentioned] Goodluck ulit.

I have this entry about my first climb but I can't finish it just yet. Kulang sa motivation? Hehe.  Not really, I'm just busy and currently having information overload. Nakakagulo ng matagal ko nang magulong utak. Siyeeet! Hehe. Intay lang at mashe-share ko rin ang adventures at misadventures ko sa unang pagsabak ko sa pag-akyat ng bundok. Hehe

Ayos. Sa tingin ko hanggang dito na lang, pagod na 'ko eh at kelangan ko pang maligo. Focha-fotek, busy ako bukas at sa mga susunod na araw. Hehe pero steady lang sa chill at tambay mode. Hahaha.

Hanggang sa muli...