City Lights

I want to climb mountains to escape the big city. I love staring at the city from a distance, like looking up at the stars from afar. I feel so alive gazing into the darkness, the nothingness that surrounds the tiny bright lights; I can never be more free than this. Capturing this beauty is beyond my phone's capacity but it wouldn't matter, everything is etched perfectly in my mind as a fresh memory, a mark that will stay for all etenity. I wish I could forever be like this but I know things can't stay the way I want them to. There are reason but I'd rather not know. Calling, calming silence. Just as it is written in a song but this is not Elvenpath. Nothing is enchanted here. Reality is kind of distorted but nothing here is magical. "Where as hero, I stand" doesn't exist. I am a plain loser trying to find my way in the long, winding trail set by those that came before me but, they, themselves, have not succeeded in claiming what they have set out for. Not the music from the videoke, splashing water from the poolside fountain can disrupts this peaceful evening. I wanted to getaway and I have, but in a few hours, I'll be back at the reality that I have temporarily escaped from...

I typed these in my phone during my alone/senti time after our inuman session at our Midyear Workshop. I left home in search of inspiration and there it was, a few kilometers away from where we were. The bright city lights that invoked my sentimentality. It was the same city lights that we've seen when I reached my first peak on our first climb. I was there but wishing I was somewhere else. I don't know. I was just so lonely and happy at the same time the other night; There having fun with friends and not being there where only few people choose, and are able to go. All I could talk about that night till morning was those city lights, my climbing memories and how much I miss and want to go climbing again. I would probably have strained your ears if you were there. Too much is going on in my other reality that I don't want to think about it for awhile so I drifted in my memories and chose to stay there for the moment. Memories store themselves in my mind through my feelings, peacefulness, happiness, even pain. It's my shield from confusion and dementedness. But then again, never mind.

I was supposed to attend this Goth Ball with my brother today but I'm broke and I am not prepared. I don't know. I'm just not feeling Gothic these days. I'm morosely sentimental but not Gothic. Oh, well...

A'righty! Our Midyear Workshop was HELLA fun! Hahaha. We hiked, and heaven knows how much I miss hiking. Weeeh! It was weird trying for the first time playing a game that only adults play, it was so un-Levy but I kinda enjoyed it. It was a mature [suitable or intended for adults] kind of fun but I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to be "mature" once in a while not that I'm not matured [having reached full natural growth or development] though I still think it's weird. Hehehe. The whole two days was a feast. It rained food though we were short of drinks, water that is. I had fun with everyone, even those that I hardly talk to. I also became a babysitter to two kids. I don't really like kids but I enjoyed the experience. It's the second time this year that I stayed up till morning with not even a blink of sleep. My body's still aching due to hours of swimming. Hahaha, I forgot to do warm-up exercises, my stomach even got almost messed up because of the cold. I went into the water right after our game. I had my me time after the fun and games and stayed there, at the stage, watching the city lights until daybreak. Of course, we had lots of laugh trips, that's something we do not run out of. Hahaha. Neh-neh-neh-neh! Hahaha. No sleeping on the road. I had some drinks but did not get drunk, just a little dizzy. I went to sober up by staring at the city lights and the darkness that surrounded it. The stage where I went to hang had black lights and a disco ball. Hahaha. It was emoting at a place with a festive mood. The next day, I only slept for an hour and went into the water and swam for hours and my face got sunburnt and my body's sore, babysitting and water wrestling, or carrying the wrestler, getting forcefully dragged in all directions and got almost drowned... huwaaah! Alaxan please! Hehehe. Music trip in the bus on our way home, rockin' the road, J-Pop, Bleach Style. I tried practicing the Leave No Trace policy, and I did, except when I was at the bus. And of course, it wouldn't be complete without pictures. I wasn't able to take pictures of everyone because they were all over the place busy, I was too lazy to run around and be paparazzi, and my phone's not that good in lowlights. Hehehe. The others brought cameras too and took their own photos and grabbed some of them. I'll post them soon. Theyalso had a mini Halloween-themed photoshoot since we were all in costumes. Enjoy, grabe. The results were freaky, and amazing. Sugoi! So yeah, that was it. I may be forgetting some other details but, well, I just am really thankful for being part of that blessed two days, I hope this isn't the last. See you all in November.

So, here I am, back to reality. I got away but there's no changing the fact that I have to go back and face it eventually. But how to? I have no idea. Just got back from a two-day vacation trip and it hasn't sunk in, again, yet that I have problems to fix it so I guess I'll have to enjoy the feeling of not feeling the weight of the problem while it lasts. The consequences? It's tolerable and nothing I couldn't bear, I'm actually used to it, so it isn't really anything new. Goodluck na lang sa 'kin.

As of the last two weeks, my life has been without direction. I am at loss of... Well... I don't know. I'm just lost. I don't know where my life is going, not sure what I want to do next, not even sure if I wanted to go on. I wanted to give up but can't find the strength to, especially when I still have people who hasn't given up on me yet. Why can't they just let me go? They continuously trust me, believe in what I can do, keep believing that I can do more. This isn't Pandora's box and I can't see hope anywhere. I can always escape, but I would always have to go back after every getaway. What on earth am I going to do?

Oh, man! Mein Herz, my heart... I don't know but I feel weird. Something's telling me I have to be jealous, I have to be mad. He is trying to tell me something with his eyes or may be I'm just deceived by my senses, but I really do not understand. I'm not sure what I should think of it. The signs are there, there are hindrances, negative energies, but something is really there, I could be wrong but my intuition have hardly failed me. This time I am talking about neither Shiawase nor Kawaii Boy. Hoffentlich mache ich nur einen Narren von mich selbst. I hope I'm only fooling myself. I could imagine how much this could hurt if it was actually real and if I was really starting to like him, and I could end up hurting other people too. I hope to meet the end of this weird feeling. Himmel, hilft bitte mir!

Sana may totoong Alethiometer, that way I could know ask everything I need to know, I wouldn't have to be lost, I wouldn't have to be confused. Maybe then, I will have direction, a hint of the future. Haaay, malapit na nga pala showing ng The Golden Compass, hehehe... Sana stick-to-the-book ung movie para mas masaya, hehehe. Kelan kaya showing ng Harry Potter 6? Can't wait. Huwaaah! Swimming trips na naman ako bago magpasukan. Sana night swimming na lang kasi sunog na 'ko. Hahaha rosy white ako nang dumating kaming Laguna, mukha na akong lechon pag-uwi, hahaha. Sana makapag-Cosplay trip naman at movie trip para lahat ng trips eh ma-enjoy ko naman. Iba't ibang trips... Awoooh!

Unlike those girly stuffs that has been written, silent or not, a lot is really going on inside my head. I think deeply, a lot, all the time. Kulang na lang magka-alterego na rin ako. Hahaha, mabuhay si Marimar at Bella Aldama! Apir! Ayos!

Haven't you wanted to be with me?
Haven't you longed to be free?