I can die now without having to tell this to anyone. I don't have to either repress or express anything, I don't even feel the need to but it's struggling to surface, careful not to make any noise. Even I don't hear it, but I am aware of its presence. It's been constantly depriving me of my peace, my emotions, even my sanity. What is IT? I don't know. I just know something from within exists, keeping me alive but not myself.
I. So here I am, feeling so left out again. Uninvited. Eternal truth: with or without you, the world will continue existing. I've been keeping away from some people for almost a week now. Can you blame me for feeling not needed again. Maybe I'm being too childish for seeking some people's attention but did you really have to shout it right in my face [which you did without having to say a word] that you would have paid attention if it was someone else? I used to feel at home with you but now I just feel like moving out into another sanctuary. Maybe I'll be coming back son or be dropping in one of these days. I just need a space away from you guys, and hopefully when I get back, I'd get that feeling of belongingness back. For now, let me stay with "those who need me."
II. It can't be helped that certain things agitate me esp. things I cannot say. As much as I would have wanted things to be straightened out, I do not think I have enough guts, even interest, to break the truth to them. They expect a lot, and they expect too much. I never liked living somebody else's expectations, I have no interest in doing what people expect, even if I can exceed those expectations. I do not mind having to frustrate them, nobody told them to expect anyway, but the fact that other people's frustrations on me are the same frustrations that I have on myself, just makes me realize, slaps over and over again, hard on the face how pathetic and what a big failure I am. I've become so numb but the feeling still finds a way to prick my skin and remind me that they're still here, always, just here. But then again, I know how to end all this. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I just need time so I can think straight again. Till then I don't know what I'll do next. Whatever happens, just want you to know how sorry I am that I failed you, all, over and over again. Somehow, I will find a way to stand up again or just end this. I don't know.
III. Drowning. I need someone to save me. Not that I can't swim but I am willingly drowning myself. I can feel my end coming. I'm holding out, holding on. If only someone would come to pull me out of this whirlwind of emotions and delusions, back to solid ground. The walls are melting away. The ground is crumbling away. Save me.
IV. It's been months but still I can't find the clarity to questions you left behind. You're still here but you've gone away. I just need to know some things. You don't have to stay. I just want to see you, talk to you again. Heaven knows how badly I wanted that. I'm stuck, I'm bound, I'm grounded right where you left me. I don't have to see you ever again. Just one last time. Please let me see him again. I miss you. I miss you? I miss you!
V. It's harsh how, in some way, certain feelings remind you of certain events esp. those you've already wanted to forget. Thought I've gotten over how some of those that I liked never did the favor of liking me back but here comes something that reminds you of the pain
I. So here I am, feeling so left out again. Uninvited. Eternal truth: with or without you, the world will continue existing. I've been keeping away from some people for almost a week now. Can you blame me for feeling not needed again. Maybe I'm being too childish for seeking some people's attention but did you really have to shout it right in my face [which you did without having to say a word] that you would have paid attention if it was someone else? I used to feel at home with you but now I just feel like moving out into another sanctuary. Maybe I'll be coming back son or be dropping in one of these days. I just need a space away from you guys, and hopefully when I get back, I'd get that feeling of belongingness back. For now, let me stay with "those who need me."
II. It can't be helped that certain things agitate me esp. things I cannot say. As much as I would have wanted things to be straightened out, I do not think I have enough guts, even interest, to break the truth to them. They expect a lot, and they expect too much. I never liked living somebody else's expectations, I have no interest in doing what people expect, even if I can exceed those expectations. I do not mind having to frustrate them, nobody told them to expect anyway, but the fact that other people's frustrations on me are the same frustrations that I have on myself, just makes me realize, slaps over and over again, hard on the face how pathetic and what a big failure I am. I've become so numb but the feeling still finds a way to prick my skin and remind me that they're still here, always, just here. But then again, I know how to end all this. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I just need time so I can think straight again. Till then I don't know what I'll do next. Whatever happens, just want you to know how sorry I am that I failed you, all, over and over again. Somehow, I will find a way to stand up again or just end this. I don't know.
III. Drowning. I need someone to save me. Not that I can't swim but I am willingly drowning myself. I can feel my end coming. I'm holding out, holding on. If only someone would come to pull me out of this whirlwind of emotions and delusions, back to solid ground. The walls are melting away. The ground is crumbling away. Save me.
IV. It's been months but still I can't find the clarity to questions you left behind. You're still here but you've gone away. I just need to know some things. You don't have to stay. I just want to see you, talk to you again. Heaven knows how badly I wanted that. I'm stuck, I'm bound, I'm grounded right where you left me. I don't have to see you ever again. Just one last time. Please let me see him again. I miss you. I miss you? I miss you!
V. It's harsh how, in some way, certain feelings remind you of certain events esp. those you've already wanted to forget. Thought I've gotten over how some of those that I liked never did the favor of liking me back but here comes something that reminds you of the pain
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