Cracks in the dark

Makaka-move on na rin sa buhay. Tapos na summer class, pasado na sa Physics. Six more units, two more subjects, one more semester. Bwahaha. Sugoi! You have no Idea how desperate I was while waiting for that result. Waiting for him to check the exam papers, he told one of my classmates that "only five will fail". I went to check his class record I saw five names with an X before them, mine included, while others had numbers in them. Evil thoughts came running inside my head, one of which is inflicting harm, to myself and others, as I was more than ready to do so. I waited for almost an hour, went back and forth looking for my professor, I was too worried to leave without knowing. When I finally found him, he reached for a paper from his pocket. That was it. I got what I needed, Uno lang, baby. 1.00, not that good, but enough to make me happy.

Makakatulog na rin ako ng mahimbing at mahaba. *yawn*

I can't afford to buy the book yet but I got myself an e-book of the Interview of the Vampire, first off the Vampire Chronicles series. I will buy them, all of them, this year surely. But till I can afford them, the e-book will do. Sugoi!

Am loving the 2004 movie adaptation of the Phantom of the Opera. Got myself the Special Edition Movie Soundtrack. Can't wait to get the movie CD. Wai! @__@ LOOOOOOOOVVE!!!

I got into another accident last Saturday but it wasn't as bad as the one I had last Friday. This time, the jeep that I rode to school got hit by an owner-type jeep. Good thing, only the tires were damaged and I was seated in the middle and had a couple of people to catch me as cushion when the jeep suddenly stopped. Oh, well.. Malas lang. Anyway, the photoshoot we had the same day went out smoothly despite the gloomy skies and windy weather. Not to mention the free lunch, we had KFC. Hahaha. Sugoi! Naman. Hehehehe.

Had the workout I never had in months yesterday. The magazines came the other day, we had to bring it all up the office. We stationed ourselves from where the magazines were dropped up to the office. We passed each pack to each other until it reached the last stations and was placed inside the office. It was fun but tiring, running less than a meter up and down, carrying that heavy package up and back to your station and reach for the next pack. Basta. I can still feel the strain in my arms. It hurts a little. I miss this actually. I'll be climbing again in June and I won't be training till then. Hehehehe. Atleast I had some sort of exercise after a few months. Sugoi ulit. Hehe

Tagu-taguan, maliwanag ang... BUWAN. Yeah. I could see it clear from my window. It's been raining a lot lately but my day/night would usually end with clear skies and bright heavenly light. Aww, I so love the moon for some reason, I want to believe it has power over me. I calls me, it calms me, it gives me life. Weird. Haha. Wala lang.

I am so craving for vampires and Anne Rice right now. I want to play the violin, I want to look like a vampire, I want to be a vampire, I want to meet a vampire, and have him take me away. I'm dying every now and then in this life. I want to get away from everything, live without being alive. I would become happy but loneliness is always more dominant, clouding every happy thought I have, everything, everything I would ever call my happiness. If only, some dark angel would come and take me away to another world, different from where I am today. A place where I can forget everything, and be somebody else, not who I am today. If I could be something else, other than human, I would be lonely but I would have a deeper reason, meaning to my loneliness. If only... Never mind.

By the way, I want to learn the violin not only because of my love for Lestat and his kin. I've always loved the violin. It sounds like loneliness, of weeping, of wailing. I want to be one with that loneliness, I want to play that loneliness and play my own loneliness. Yes, I am lonely. I want the violin sing my loneliness for me. Ahahaha. How many times did I write 'loneliness'? Hahahaha.

More and more everyday, I am realizing something that I never learned. LOVE. I always say I feel it for something or someone, but did I ever really mean it? Or do I not only care for them without loving them? Do I even know what the word meant? Am I not just obsessing? Looking for something, someone to feed my imagination? I know now that I won't go seeking for it again because if love wanted to be with me, it will come and find me. I've always had this loneliness even as a child but not that feeling could take away that loneliness. It cannot tell me where my loneliness is coming from, it couldn't protect me. I am more in-love with my sorrow than I have ever been in-love with anyone. Loneliness is Levy, Levy is not herself without it.

Dunno how to close this post. So before I go...

Happiness is not an antonym of loneliness. It can co-exist.