Half-brokenness

A few of my friends are currently in Potipot Island in Zambales for a beach trip. They will be there till tomorrow, or today since it's already early Sunday. The weather's been not so good here today but I hope they didn't get rained in where they are. I hope they enjoyed their trip and bring home a lot of pictures and good stories when they come back :-)

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Right now, I lay motionless between idleness and activity. I have neither will nor interest for either of the two. I still lack that certain something I needed to get myself working on anything again. It has little or even nothing to do with what you think had to do with it. It just happens that there are times that I really don't feel like doing anything; I just stop what I am doing, I don't do what I plan to do, I just stay where I am, or lock myself in my room and stare at the darkness. Just that. There really isn't anything serious going on inside my head, I just don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything.

A good explanation for this is that I'm moody and my moods, unfortunately, affect my focus, my enthusiasm and even my interest. Well, I am hoping that I get over this in a few days or I just might ditch some of my scheduled trips with friends and stay stuck here till the opening of classes in June. :-)

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I have been getting text messages from my highschool bestfriend. Her first child, my godchild, will be celebrating her first birthday and as godmother, I should be there. I wasn't there and I haven't seen here since/ when she got married and when the baby was christened [forgive me, I don't even know the child's name] but I'm afraid I won't be coming to see her again and the last time I saw her was like a year or two ago. As much as I wanted to, I am currently experiencing financial draught, and emotionally chaotic right now. I don't know what to tell her this time, I told her last time that I am kind of busy with school that I can't leave to visit her, and see, I'm still in school. I can't tell her the same excuse lest she thinks I'm just making excuses not see her and be the godmother to her child that I'm suppose to be. I don't want to hurt her by that I can't really think of anything. The birthday will be in four days but  hope she forgives me for not showing up again. :-)

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I know  promised I won't be drifting into the bitterness of my loserdom again but something's been telling me, reminding me that I am a loser, and a big one. That beautifully smiling, glass-framed graduation picture hanging at the wall just beside the door. Some think that it doesn't quite look like me, which I don't really agree with 'cause if you would see the raw pictures, you'd see that they just removed the blemishes, my eyebags, and the scar I had after we came back from Pico de Loro and fixed my shabby hair. Someone from SPO, where I claimed the framed picture, looked at me twice and asked me if it were really me when I went to get MY picture. And others would even say, "Ang galing talaga ng Photoshop", like I would never really look good on photos without Photoshop. WHAT THE FUCK?! Okay, so it struck me: I don't look like that person in the picture because I don't like fixing myself, I dress sloppily, and I move  and walk like a tomboy [not lesbo], and I haven't really graduated yet making that picture a fake, just a concept picture. What am I now? A loser. Just that.

About making the grad photo real, I just have to pass summer school and pass my last two major subjects and I'm off.

About the other one... Okay, I need a total makeover. I wish I can go out one time and buy me some real clothes and get myself the works but with my present condition that'd be quite imaginable but improbable. But I will try my best to get to that next school year. I will save some from my allowance and allot a few bucks for that, hopefully. Idleness is taking it's toll on me again, as usual. I am gaining lots of weight again. I don't really like exercising and I can and will never cut down on food, but I will lose weight. I just need to be out exploring the world again, but see, not today, maybe one of these days, but not today. I told you I'm not feeling it and not sure when I'll be wanting to go outdoors again. But I will... Soon... Hopefully...

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I wanted to pick up the pen and go writing or drawing, or the brugh and paint again. It's been months or even years since I've REALLY done any of it like I just sat at Rotonda sketching anything I could see, anything I could think while waiting for my next class, at some afternoons, some two or three years ago. Or when I spent sleepless nights stroking off with a brush what my hand can get itself working on. Or writing on paper whatever, even the smallest of, thoughts that would come raining down on me even on the dead of night. Beauty, inspiration, motivation would just come to me without having to call for it. I miss how the darkness that I once used to live in, that I once used to drift in, that once was the core of my existence, used to inspire me, gave me beauty to concieve with and give birth to a more beautiful work, child of the Art. I am now condemned to the World of Light, Colors are blinding
me from the darkness that enshrouded me, my music [I miss singing, I miss being with a band, I miss performing on stage], my art, my poetry, my life. I miss my mystery, my morbidity, my desolation. I just miss the old ME...

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I think it's time to revisit my "past" life; Listen again to what I used to listen to, read again what I used to write, watch what I used to watch, review my mythology, my witchcraft... And a lot more things and get in touch my old, real self. Not that I don't like who and what am now but I like myself for who I am before and who I am now, if I can get them to bind with each other, maybe I can know myself better, I can learn to love my self, and finally get someone to love me...

Oops, umaga na naman. Tulugan na!!!

Oyasuminasai && Ohayou!!!