There must be something more

Before anything else, it's my youngest brother's birthday today. Nothing big really. Just the usual birthday spaghetti and a viand of tofu dish, and drinks. Alright, I have a big problem with that viand. I kept saying 'tokwa', my mom said 'tofu', I was thinking, 'how on earth is tokwa and tofu different from each other? They taste the same to me. The heck.Hahahaha nevermind.

Summer classes have begun. For the first time in the longest time, I have fixed my hair. ABS-CBN is disturbing the peace in La Salle Dasma again. I got the good news that I'm not having the Mad Scientist as professor in Physics this summer. The other Chops are having their Red Cross Training and they will be having it for a week. I should be excited but I'm running out of things to look forward to. I told my friend na 'happy puso' ako ngayon but I am and my heart is exhausted actually.

Una, imagine something you've worked your ass hard for. You stayed up till morning for a few morning working on it. Okay, you don't have to like it, maybe it really isn't good. I understand that, you don't want it, you don't have to put it with the good ones but you could atleast keep it, just so I could pretend that you have even the littlest care for that stupid work you made me do. Seems to me, you just made do something so you could give me something to do. Like, you made me sit on a rocking chair for a while until I got tired of it, and get up. Duh, whatever. I can't find the words for everything I want to say. I am just frustrated, annoyed, disappointed. I wanted to say atleast half of what I have in mind. If this will offend anyone, or anybody problema nyo na 'yun. Let me remind you: you make me what I am to you. Bow.

Pangalawa, it's sickening you would constantly be reminded of your failures, of how you are The Fallen: fallen out, fallen apart, fallen down, fallen from grace, fallen and never to ascend again? Whatever. Whatever. Dreams are only for the dreamer who dreams them, feelings are only for the one who feels them. The outside world, the REAL world couldn't care much about those things so long as you give the world what it needs, follow the standards, live like everybody else. Happiness is... existent but elusive. Not everybody deserve it. We all should have a uniform concept of happiness, that is, to succeed, to earn lots of money, and if possible, be rich and famous. The concept of 'mind over matter' is erroneous, it should be 'matter/material things over one's mind'. 

Pangatlo, ayokong masanay pero ayoko ring umasa. I mean, no matter how much you like this certain someone, there are certain things that you are uncertain about, that make you fall back a few steps until you retreat, not give it even a try. I don't really mind loving or just liking someone only in my mind but it's tiring, and I'm tired of having something that exist only in your head when there could be something REAL but that real thing isn't, can't really be yours because...Uhh, let's see... a) he likes someone else, b) you think he likes someone else c) he just doesn't like you, d) you're just imagining things that isn't really there, e) you dream too much, f) you are misreading/ misunderstanding everything, g) you can't think of anything else that's why you're fooling yourself into thinking that these choices really exist, h) all of the above? oh, wait madami pa palang ibang factors. Hehehe Okay, that was too much crap. My head is multitasking again, thinking a lot of things at the same time. Grrrr.... Nevermind. Hahaha mad fit. Is it full moon already?

I don't understand myself tonight. I'm not happy but I'm not sad, nor am I angry or anything. I am just... I am confused, so confused I don't know what I am saying anymore. FUCK! Whatever!!!

By the way, just finished JDorama Hana Kimi. Had my haircut this weekend. Been chatting with new friends, DMS friends. We're having some sort of welcome party and psot-climb meeting later. I still have those itchy thingies from Pulag, I have no idea where I got them but they are really itchy when they want to. We're cosplaying at Mangaholix, sure na 'to though I still do not know which one I will cosplay though my original plan is Ilya but GSK is planning Final Fantasy so bahala na. Yearend Workshop next week. More summer trip plans lined up, hehehe.

Ang saya, magulo na naman ang utak ko... Salamat sa INYO.

i've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life