Got this message a few nights ago, while I was staring at my ceiling deep in thought:
So much for sanity, happiness and even peace of mind. You don't deserve it, at least, not while you're still with me. You don't always have a choice but be with me. I'm the only one you have have. Your dreams and fantasies can only distract you for a while and lighten the blows but cannot save you. I will never leave you. I'll be with you before you go to sleep and whenever you wake up. I am the only one who will stay with you when all else is gone. I am wherever you are. You cannot escape.
One disappointment after the other. They just keep on coming. I've cried all I could and ran out of it. My body has become numb but my brain is still wrecking with the blows. No more turf that I could claim as my own. I've been stripped of pride, left with so little dignity, and confidence died out, killed the very liitle faith I have left, long time ago. I'm as good as dead. Where do you go, what happens when you've exceeded the quota of defeat?
I've been asking, "What do you want me to do? Ano bang gusto mong gawin ko?" Pointing the question to nobody in particular. I got no answers yet. No signs, no distant voices calling, no nothing. We always say that when [our] plans fail, there's always a bigger plan, bigger things coming for us. But, look, I don't see any of it. I've fallen, I've been lost, I've been out of direction, and I can't see any light. I don't hear answers. We speak of purposes without knowing them exactly, just believing our purposes exist. I could've choses a different path, I could be somewhere else right now, doing something else but I still chose to be here because I believed I was called here for something. Five years in school, twenty-one years alive, I've done so much, so much happened to me, changed me through the years, kept me up a few hundred months, kept me alive for a few thousand days but still doesn't give light to that shadow that clouds our existence. Purpose. Fate. Destiny. Doom? You choose what you want to call it.
We say we write our own destiny, but the end ofthe day, we realize that we only follow where our lives take us. Parang computer simulation ang buhay, governed by a thousand Nested If-Else Statements, whatever we do, whatever choice we make, meron nang default or meron nang simulated na results. IF we do this THEN this happens, ELSE IF if ganito naman THEN ito ang mangyayari, ELSE wala kang choice, this is where you end up END-ing the loop. Am I making sense? Bahala ka nang umintindi.
I said I wanted to stay, but didn't imagine it to be like this. If it was just me, I don't really mind but I still have others to think about, and what they think to think about. It wouldn't really make any difference to think about what they think but, well, yeah, I have to think of them too. Now, who truly has a choice? No one. I have a lot of time but do not own it. I do not really have anything at hand. How do break the news? Break it down. I just wish I could keep my calm. Sana sapat na ang naisip kong paraan. Heavens, help me.
Maybe, I've reached turning point. Things will [should] start to change here. Sabi nga sa quote that I've read, Graduation is just a concept. Everyday is a graduation. Sabi nga ng isang kaibigan, we grow with every difficulty, with every difficult people we meet on the way. If this is a way of growth, siguro full grown na ako. We just get to, keep on moving on. Paano? Ganito. Yun na yun. Sabi ng Spice Girls, caught in a craze, it's just a phase. Sabi ni Yoh Asakura, maaayos din ang lahat. Gusto mo ng gulo? Pasukin mo ang isip ko. Hahaha, oo, Bamboo, nakinig ako sa'yo. Sabi ni JP-sama, don't think you have it bad when others have it worse. Sabi ni Shiawase-niichan, it's all about the dash. Sabi ko naman, sige, ako'y makikinig na lang. Kamown.
Let your mind wander. Isip bitaw. Sa sobrang gulo, isip ko'y mistulang kaluluwang ligaw. Malay nyo naman, may isa ngang malaking role ako na dapat gampanan kaya nandito pa rin ako. Malay nyo. Malay ko. Malay natin. Malaysia. LOL. Bading. Naalala ko tuloy yung kinanta ng DLSU-D Choral na Sino ang Bading. Wala lang.
Sige, isa pa. One last time, pag hindi talaga umobra. Hindi ko na itutuloy. Tatapusin ko na to. I will move on with or without graduation. Bahala na. Madami namang nagtatagumpay kahit di graduate eh. Tapang noh? Bluff lang yan. Bahala na talaga. Come what may and then we just move on.
Astrally disturbed ako ngayon pero kahit anong mangyayari, tutuloy ako sa Pulag. Sasama ako. Bagyo lang ang pwedeng pumigil sa akin. Takbuhan na ulit bukas.
Bukas na ang Manila Ocean Park. Tara, samahan nyo ako! Dali.
O, ayos ba? Wala naman nalinawan. Walang tanung na nasagot sa entry na to. Kelangan ko lang ng outlet. Shine-share ko lang ang gulo ko para pare-pareho tayong maguluhan. Gulong taglish. Ayos. Balitaan na lang tayo kayo kung anung mangyayari. Sa akin, sa buhay ko, sa isip kong gulung-gulo at sa kugn anu-anong ano at kuwan. Hahahaha. Paalam.
So much for sanity, happiness and even peace of mind. You don't deserve it, at least, not while you're still with me. You don't always have a choice but be with me. I'm the only one you have have. Your dreams and fantasies can only distract you for a while and lighten the blows but cannot save you. I will never leave you. I'll be with you before you go to sleep and whenever you wake up. I am the only one who will stay with you when all else is gone. I am wherever you are. You cannot escape.
Yours forever,
Reality
Reality
One disappointment after the other. They just keep on coming. I've cried all I could and ran out of it. My body has become numb but my brain is still wrecking with the blows. No more turf that I could claim as my own. I've been stripped of pride, left with so little dignity, and confidence died out, killed the very liitle faith I have left, long time ago. I'm as good as dead. Where do you go, what happens when you've exceeded the quota of defeat?
I've been asking, "What do you want me to do? Ano bang gusto mong gawin ko?" Pointing the question to nobody in particular. I got no answers yet. No signs, no distant voices calling, no nothing. We always say that when [our] plans fail, there's always a bigger plan, bigger things coming for us. But, look, I don't see any of it. I've fallen, I've been lost, I've been out of direction, and I can't see any light. I don't hear answers. We speak of purposes without knowing them exactly, just believing our purposes exist. I could've choses a different path, I could be somewhere else right now, doing something else but I still chose to be here because I believed I was called here for something. Five years in school, twenty-one years alive, I've done so much, so much happened to me, changed me through the years, kept me up a few hundred months, kept me alive for a few thousand days but still doesn't give light to that shadow that clouds our existence. Purpose. Fate. Destiny. Doom? You choose what you want to call it.
We say we write our own destiny, but the end ofthe day, we realize that we only follow where our lives take us. Parang computer simulation ang buhay, governed by a thousand Nested If-Else Statements, whatever we do, whatever choice we make, meron nang default or meron nang simulated na results. IF we do this THEN this happens, ELSE IF if ganito naman THEN ito ang mangyayari, ELSE wala kang choice, this is where you end up END-ing the loop. Am I making sense? Bahala ka nang umintindi.
I said I wanted to stay, but didn't imagine it to be like this. If it was just me, I don't really mind but I still have others to think about, and what they think to think about. It wouldn't really make any difference to think about what they think but, well, yeah, I have to think of them too. Now, who truly has a choice? No one. I have a lot of time but do not own it. I do not really have anything at hand. How do break the news? Break it down. I just wish I could keep my calm. Sana sapat na ang naisip kong paraan. Heavens, help me.
Maybe, I've reached turning point. Things will [should] start to change here. Sabi nga sa quote that I've read, Graduation is just a concept. Everyday is a graduation. Sabi nga ng isang kaibigan, we grow with every difficulty, with every difficult people we meet on the way. If this is a way of growth, siguro full grown na ako. We just get to, keep on moving on. Paano? Ganito. Yun na yun. Sabi ng Spice Girls, caught in a craze, it's just a phase. Sabi ni Yoh Asakura, maaayos din ang lahat. Gusto mo ng gulo? Pasukin mo ang isip ko. Hahaha, oo, Bamboo, nakinig ako sa'yo. Sabi ni JP-sama, don't think you have it bad when others have it worse. Sabi ni Shiawase-niichan, it's all about the dash. Sabi ko naman, sige, ako'y makikinig na lang. Kamown.
Let your mind wander. Isip bitaw. Sa sobrang gulo, isip ko'y mistulang kaluluwang ligaw. Malay nyo naman, may isa ngang malaking role ako na dapat gampanan kaya nandito pa rin ako. Malay nyo. Malay ko. Malay natin. Malaysia. LOL. Bading. Naalala ko tuloy yung kinanta ng DLSU-D Choral na Sino ang Bading. Wala lang.
Sige, isa pa. One last time, pag hindi talaga umobra. Hindi ko na itutuloy. Tatapusin ko na to. I will move on with or without graduation. Bahala na. Madami namang nagtatagumpay kahit di graduate eh. Tapang noh? Bluff lang yan. Bahala na talaga. Come what may and then we just move on.
Astrally disturbed ako ngayon pero kahit anong mangyayari, tutuloy ako sa Pulag. Sasama ako. Bagyo lang ang pwedeng pumigil sa akin. Takbuhan na ulit bukas.
Bukas na ang Manila Ocean Park. Tara, samahan nyo ako! Dali.
O, ayos ba? Wala naman nalinawan. Walang tanung na nasagot sa entry na to. Kelangan ko lang ng outlet. Shine-share ko lang ang gulo ko para pare-pareho tayong maguluhan. Gulong taglish. Ayos. Balitaan na lang tayo kayo kung anung mangyayari. Sa akin, sa buhay ko, sa isip kong gulung-gulo at sa kugn anu-anong ano at kuwan. Hahahaha. Paalam.
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