Avenir [to turn out]

I've been trying to figure out and somehow I'm getting the hang of things.

Like a monkey swinging from one branch to another, tree to tree, I am finally letting myself climb down the tree trunk and dig up the roots, and pick up the fruits that has fallen from the trees that I helped pollinate, the fruit that fell when I shook the tree, and plant up the seeds from the fruits that picked up and eaten.

I'm not comparing myself to a monkey, okay. Metaphors. Never mind.

Been thinking and being deep and hard at that. I've woken, I'm waking up, I'm putting myself back to sleep, and control my dream while I'm deep in slumber. What I'm trying to say is, I'm digging way down deep to somehow cure the pain, fill up the emptiness, and re-do everything, re-feel everything that I am feeling and forgotten to feel. I've re-traced some of my foot steps, had some time to re-think the things and people I lost, what I got to go through to get where I am, what I gained and never had a chance to get my hands on on my way, on the way I took. Everything. Not really sure where writing these things will get me but I just got to say. Not sure I can put the wrong things and make up for them, make up to the people that became 'casualties' of little twists of fate, not even sure what to write next, after these lines. Hahahaha.

I wish I could write it here. It's about this someone whom I have hurt and lied to more than I did anyone in my life. More lies and promises than I ever made with friends and family. He's one of those people who... I don't know. I just can't tell it here. Too much to take, to much to feel, to much to know... Blah-blah. The point is, I owe him more apology than I owe anyone I ever hurt and lied to in my entire life. Anyway to fix this? I have no idea. I ruined it, hopefully, I, too, can find a way to, if not mend what has been broken, at least, apologize to him for everything. *Sigh* All In due time. *faint smile*

Got nothing else that excites me right now. Well, except for that meeting with K on A Cinco de Deciembre. Eeek. Can't go out 'cause I have no money, still haven't seen Twilight, dunno how I can get to that Fan Party on the 5th, and join the rappelling on the 8th, still have to run for pre-employment thingies, got to grab myself a copy of Paul's LS Mag and HF's 1st issue for the sem, claim my diploma, come up with designs for the 'biz'... And so many other things to get done. Pfft. Not really feeling good vibes right now. I need another push of the cliff so I can get back to moving again. May the heavens and the stars that light it guide me on my way, may the sun make me wise on everything everyday, may the moon and the ocean help my emotion be just, may the earth, fire and wind, drive me to meet the ends that I long for and may the mountains... Hmm... May the mountains let me climb on them, shower from their waterfalls, bathe in their rivers, springs and stream, and eat from the trees within theirs breast.

Hahahaha. Blabbering nonsensical...Uh, nonsense. Never mind, again.

Lookey! 300 now showing on HBO. Gerard Butler, my favorite Scottish sexiness. Eeek.

Setting pace

Count 1. It's good to improve
Count 2. It's good to rest
Count 3. It's good to think
It's good to be able to progress at my own pace.
--My Pace, Sunset Swish--

I can let you into what happening in my life lately but the problem is, nothing is happening with my life lately.

Just ended training Last Wednesday and I'm back to bumming, or better said, I'm back to hunting for another job. See, they may try not to admit it, or say it straight, they don't think I'm good enough. They tried to break it gently and asked what could have been wrong and what happened to me but... Well, Yellow page ads are not for me. It's not the kind of 'graphic' work that I was expecting and I'm not really good with following standards. I don't believe in 'creative freedom' that follow rules, I don't like rules that opress freedom, and I'm not like a green sea turtle that follows the East Australian Current for migration. I don't usually go with the flow because I create my own flow. Blah. My flow might not always go where I want it to but at least, I get to make it for myself and follow it. And it's disappointing, the truth, that is. And as much as I wanted to say more how disappointing things are, have been, and are becoming, but I can't. I don't wanna sound like I'm sour-graping and bitter, and blah.. I'm still getting my pay for the days I worked for so.. who cares?  And I might get sued? Nah. I don't know. Hahahaha.

Maybe I'm just being lazy. See, for that, almost two weeks that I went to train for that work, I was having thoughts in my head. Like, what I was doing it for? All I could think of was the pressure that it being thrown at me by the world. Like how it's been telling me that I'm such a burden and I need to earn my own money. For the first few days, the thought of getting paid after two weeks of waking up early, staying up all day and sleeping on the trip home is pretty rewarding but the end of the day, you realized that you aren't really happy with what you're doing. The world is so demanding and the last thing I need in my life is a world, and a life and the people in it who are rsuhing you and trying to make you grow up fast. No amount of money as well-compensation can really cheer you up when you have no good, right and worthy reason to do things. It might excite you at first but you get tired of it, and it tires you to do things as time goes further. Conclusion: things happened for for a reason and for the better [and they don't thinkI can do it, and I think so too, and I don't really see myself doing yellow page ads for a career, not that I think low of those in that kindof business, I just don't think that kind of work is for me, and I don't need the job as bad as those who applied for it. Hehe I made so many other applications but so far, they're the only ones that called me and.. bahaa~ nevermind.

Plans fail but mine didn't really. They just got postponed to a later date, much later date and so many plans. I don't regret anything though, I was gonna quit anyway. And I didn't really make friends so I didn't really leave anything, anyone behind except for my newest new friend Jaz. He's like my closest, or my only buddy, during that period when I worked as a trainee. We literally stucked together that whole time. No malice, of course. He's cute, and nice, and likes Survivor too, but too young for me. He's 18 and just graduated from a 2-year course in Mulimedia Arts and he looks a lot like one of my friends back in highschool. Nice kids, and he know what he is doind and he'd definitely go far. Goodluck, dude.

Because of this li'l glitch in my sitch, I am missing on a lot of things. Like I said, some of my plans are getting postponed to much later dates. I am hoping things will catch up soon, I hope I can catch up soon enough, and though I might be missing some things, i am definitely not missing that Survivor Philippines Fan Party on December 5. Woohoo. Sorry kids, you can't come unless you do forums at SP.tv hehe, and they cut off the list to 75 people and I'm 47th on it. Yay for me. Not sure, how I'm going to go there but I will definitely go there. I want to also go to the Reunion Specials on Finals day but not sure if I can get me tickets but I will surely do my best to get me one. And I might pursue that 'connivance interview' with someone whom I have talked about it with. Hehehehe. Yeehah. SP, wait for me. And my love.. Weeeh. I am definitely giving Kiko a bracelet. Hehehehe. Argh. Excitement.

I miss mother.. Mother nature. Eeek..

Speaking of mother nature, isn't it weird how Richard Gutierrez is a Greenpeace advocate and endorses shampoo at the same time?

So much I want to write but.. too lazy. Next time.

Ohmyheart! KIKO LOVES YOU day on Dec 5th. He said it himself. Wah. Read it here. Grrr.. I am so going to that Grand Eyeball. Lookey, here's a photo when he posted that post:

I keep missing his tv guestings but Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkk. I still love him. and I once I see him in person, that will make up for everything I've missed, and they have videos of his guesting on Pinoychannel.tv, so I'd still get to watch them. Love-love. So much love for Kikomann.

So much to live for, so much to die for.. I almost quitted but it kept me going on.. Eeek, Kiko LOVE!!!

PS: @ 2127 Online at chatting si Kiko sa SP.com ngayon. Naka-chat din. Wah.

Do or die

no
matter
WHAT
I
just
GOT
to
find
something
or
in
my
case
ANYTHING
to
HOLD
on
to
because
with
the
LIFE
I
am
living
with
the
life
I
have
with
what
I
have
no
other
CHOICE
but
to
bear
with
ONLY
one
option
of 
REALITY
that
I
have
to
accept
only
one
FATE
I
have
to
EMBRACE
and
only 
one
step
I
have
to
take
but
HANG ON
or
I
just
might
HANG MYSELF
I
hope
letting
this
OUT
gets
me
SOMEWHERE
I
am
once
AGAIN
standing
at
the
EDGE
of
a
cliff
the
EDGE
of
a
knife
pointed
at
my
throat
I
am
once
again
on
the
EDGE
of
sanity 
I
just
might
be
headed
for
a
BREAKDOWN
anytime
SOON
I
wish
SOMEONE
and
for
that
matter
ANYONE
will
do
just
SAVE ME
save
me
NOW
save
me
SOON
save
me
WHEN 
you
can
save
me
if
you
have
time
SAVE
me
if
you
WANT
to
save
me
if
you
CAN
save
me
HOW
you
want
to
as
long
as
you
SAVE
me
BEFORE
I
am
GONE.

Sa dinami-daming pwedeng makita

Si Marlon pa.

Nyak.

Nakasabay namin siyang mag-lunch sa food court ng Festival Mall kanina. May kasamang friend na sobrang mas gwapo kaysa kanya. Hahahaha. Pero in fairness, may maayos siyang tignan sa personal pero, alas, nalugi ang beauty ng lolo mo. Palingun-lingon. Wala kasing pumapansin sa kanya, ako lang. Hahahaha. Babatiin ko sana pero sakto nung tumayo kami, tumayo na rin sila kaya bumalik na kami sa opisina.

Next time, sana si Kiko naman.
 
Keep the faith.

En route

You may have gone past the
Highway to Hell
but this is not the
Road to Success
You're in the
Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Embrace you fate.
Follow the signs.
No U-turn.
Keep right.

Kissu

Almost lost just like