I cannot hold detestation against them or their deed for so long. The very minute that I saw them today, I lost all the negative feeling I had last night. Sounds good, eh? But I've made a choice and will hold it firmly. I'm not taking any subject with them next sem of the next sems to come. I hate the feeling of hating the people I treasure so I'm doing this to avoid it though there many more things that will come, I know. Is this good or bad? I don't care. I believe I have to, so I will. I cannot stop it totally, yes but this'll be one way to prevent it so... That's it
Things has to change; I will make them change and they will change!
Nothing much to post today but... Oh! I forgot to claim my certificate for the Alipato workshop. Man, oh, man! This calls for... Matt! Haha!
That'd be it for now. Tonight I'll be writing down things that I plan to get done next sem and on Monday, I'll be getting schedules for next sem then check out my adviser for the enrolment date... Not much! Awayt, Gotta go...
Oops... Pa-edit! Habol ko lang...
I've just finished publishing my post when I came by one of the blogs I love reading, Ala's so I edited today's post. I know I shouldn't have copied it but this one part got me:
4) I just came from band practice. I'm glad I'm getting more confident about this band thing. I know I should loosen up more on stage, but I've always been one of those uncoordinated people who are terrible at dancing, sports, or anything involving moving the body. But a frontwoman who doesn't move is simply unacceptable. Hence, I try to move around a little even though I probably look like an idiot.
I still get nervous when there's someone I know in the audience, or when we're playing with another female fronted band that totally kicks a**. That's when I need a quick ego boost, anything to make me feel good and confident, any passing thought I can grab at and hold on to to make me feel like I'm the sh*t. They range from the petty (i.e. "I'm prettier/ taller than her" or "My outfit is nicer" or "Ha! I can sing that note better than she does") to the downright mean (i.e. "Naku! Di siya marunong kumanta!" or "Ha! Sumablay siya!!"). These thoughts are never seriously meant, of course. I just want to believe these thoughts right at the moment itself because I desperately need a dose of confidence, and if I don't get it, I will be so jittery and my performance will go down the drain. I just need a confidence crutch for the meantime. But right when my set is over and I can breathe a sigh of relief, I take back every mean thought that went through my head. I know it sounds evil, but if you're a performer still finding her footing, I'm sure you'd totally understand
I am aware that if some of the people never ever seen me doing my thing on stage, stretching my vocal chords, hitting notes that an unexceptional being cannot usually reach, not that I am so exceptional at all, my stories of the stage would sound like a crappy brag. I've heard it from people that I do not look special, I don't look like I'm a vocalist at all, I do not look like I know how to sing but they saw me do it so they believed. Dang! I can hit whatever note you wish me to but I hardly move. Stage fright and the jitters that come along with it is so hard to fight. I've been on stage and infront of a lot of people, got offkey sometimes, but I hardly move. I love the musiic, I love the stage, I love the lights, but I cannot overcome whatever it is that stops me from giving my best. I move better in rehearsals, I get to mess around, be myself, move a lot but when you're there already it all freezes. To sum it all up, I'm lousy! I was never trained as a child to face people, I prefer to be alone even as a prep, I do the things I love for myself... What a foundation! But hey, I think I'm starting to break free from the bondage. I have tried Impromptu singing and I will do it again, I'm learning how to unlearn learned fears, I'm teaching myself to move to the music... Given enough time to get these all done, I know I can do it and HELL, I will.
So, help me, God!
By the way, Mac, Kaya mo pa ayusin ang buhay mo. Haha! Choose well. Kaya mo yan, suportahan taka! Help will be given when and where it needed if you ask well for it and never ever forget the power of prayers.
† + May God bless us all. + †
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